The Journal
Sitting in a comfortable chair but an uncomfortable place, a blankness that is a void that leaves an emptiness at the bottom of the stomach. What can fill this void? Are there any happy days left? Do the tears become the new fashion statement? Thinking about the trap and the enjoyment of the bondage is sickening. It is difficult to articulate yet a decision has to be made, a lot of words but what about the clarity.
The thoughts and questions constantly try for an expression as Ebony stares at the ceiling. After hearing her boss tell her that her services are no longer needed, she stares at the ceiling and try to figure out the next move. She is frustrated at herself for not allowing herself to make the next move. Vexed and upset are to simply of words to grab are her thoughts as she screams into her pillow. The discomfort that comes from the years of pouring out her heart is causing a horrible headache to emerge. She has a difficult time trying to shake the multiple unexplainable emotions that are coming from her expectations of a school district that she had imagined would be where she retired.
Ebony thought she had got away from the horrible past that was full of mistakes. Yet, to be facing the same outcome was a mental fight that was sucking the air out of her. Suicide had a language that was becoming very clear, but the fight of a comeback was the overwhelming theme to her dream. Tears in her eyes she put the pillow down and accepted the fact that she was getting ready for an awesome comeback.
One day ends another begins the mind game is strong yet Ebony is determined to win. Dizziness fogs her vision but she looks to the Lord for provision. Yesterday, is gone today is a fresh start and now more than ever she is determined to do her part. Yet, the past don’t want to let go, as she wrestles with thoughts of insecurity. As she thinks about the mission that consist of a successful day all she can do is pray. God is the release that brings peace. This is her acknowledgement. What will she will in her life? What will she agree to participate in? How do she approach every obstacle with a win-win attitude? Questions that she can only answer, success or failure is left up to her.
Dragging herself out of the bed today she has agreed that no weapon formed against her shall prosper. Ultimate victory comes from acknowledging the success from the cross, her hopes she understand will never be lost. Ebony realizes that her Lord and Savior have to be the boss in order for her heart to love again. As the shower runs over her body the tears fall with the water drops but she knows that the Lord is the only one that can cause the pain to stop. The difficulty of facing a day where so much unpredictability can lead to devastating instability.